Time

I was checking out my phone just awhile ago. Deciding which friend to call out for a drink or a chat. As I scroll down from A to Z, I realise something about me. I don’t have much friends I can meet physically, in real life. The NOW.

I have been wondering for a long time about this friend issue of mine. I’m not sure why, but the people who I wanna be with just isn’t there anymore. I don’t think they were there before, so why would they be here now? Right? I mean, besides my girl who is always there.

I’m not sure :-

who I can trust anymore,

who I can talk to,

who I can share my worries,

who I can share my visions,

who I can share my ideas,

who I can spill out to.

I feel so alone. Most of the time.

At times, when people are there, I felt love. But they would slowly slip away from me. It always has been. From primary school, to my Alor Setar Secondary school, to Subang secondary school, to UTAR foundation year, til now.

I mean, I would want someone to remember the things that I have done for them. The times when they were in need and I was the only one there. The times when they ask and I give. When I look around me now, I can’t find anyone to talk to. Why is that? I ask myself over and over again. I still can’t find the answer.

Is it the way I pick my friends?

Is it the way I talk to people, that it would offend them? (well this did to one of my dearest friend)

Is it the way I act?

Is it the way I am?

Am I the one leaving people? Was I the problem?

Whenever I dwell into a conversation with a dear friend, we can talk for a long period of time and the closeness it so overwhelming that I would want more of it. I want closeness with others, I enjoy sharing life experiences, I enjoy talking about the pass which would carry a smile on peoples faces, I enjoy talking about the bad times that we would later learn from our mistakes. Apparently some other do not. Apparently, my name doesn’t appear on the list of others. Things I try to do to maintain the friendship. Doesn’t seem to work anymore. It just doesn’t work anymore.

A dear friend once told me, ” If you have the person on your list, it doesn’t mean they have yours on theirs.”

How true. How painful it is. How bitter to know that sad fact about life.

Is it because I am the playful self that I enjoy being shows the “DO-NOT-TRUST” word all over me?

The people who were once close to me I do not know anymore. The connection is lost and we don’t even contact anymore. People from far apart, used to have mails for each other now no more. People from close by, have issues with themselves, struggling to find their own shadow slowly drifting away from me. I do not know who to talk to anymore.

The feeling of leaving the people here and starting over is so so strong. I had this feeling when I first arrive in Subang. Leaving my friends in Alor Setar, meeting new ones here. Next was when I when to UTAR alone, none of my friends were studying there yet as I went to the January intake. I had to start over, meet new friends. The feeling happened again when I switch from Foundation year to Degree. I had to start over.

I was actually sick and tired of this feeling. Meet new friends and leaving the old ones. It’s not like I didn’t make the effort. I try to contact them and I try to maintain the communications. They just weren’t interested anymore. From Alor Setar to Subang to Utar. All of them are the same. They found new friends. They let go the old ones. Friends that went overseas, some of them were close to me, did the same thing. All was fine and suddenly, life seem to grab hold of them and the ties with me seems to have gone lost.

All the friendships I had, only a handful still remembers. At this rate, I’d have to look for new friends again. I’ve already lost so much, a handful? What’s a handful. Looks like its gonna be a long journey through life for me. Or is this the feeling everyone has nowadays? Can’t be, everyone looks so occupied. Who am I kidding but myself? Denial is just lurking around the corner and it would be hunting me down at anytime.

It feels cold alone. So quiet alone. Peaceful at times. Solitary has caught on to me and has attached itself onto my back. I’ve lost my most dearest Grandma. What’s friends that would forget? Walking the road down alone is no new thing for me anymore. I have done it so many times. What’s the rest of my life?