Time

I was checking out my phone just awhile ago. Deciding which friend to call out for a drink or a chat. As I scroll down from A to Z, I realise something about me. I don’t have much friends I can meet physically, in real life. The NOW.

I have been wondering for a long time about this friend issue of mine. I’m not sure why, but the people who I wanna be with just isn’t there anymore. I don’t think they were there before, so why would they be here now? Right? I mean, besides my girl who is always there.

I’m not sure :-

who I can trust anymore,

who I can talk to,

who I can share my worries,

who I can share my visions,

who I can share my ideas,

who I can spill out to.

I feel so alone. Most of the time.

At times, when people are there, I felt love. But they would slowly slip away from me. It always has been. From primary school, to my Alor Setar Secondary school, to Subang secondary school, to UTAR foundation year, til now.

I mean, I would want someone to remember the things that I have done for them. The times when they were in need and I was the only one there. The times when they ask and I give. When I look around me now, I can’t find anyone to talk to. Why is that? I ask myself over and over again. I still can’t find the answer.

Is it the way I pick my friends?

Is it the way I talk to people, that it would offend them? (well this did to one of my dearest friend)

Is it the way I act?

Is it the way I am?

Am I the one leaving people? Was I the problem?

Whenever I dwell into a conversation with a dear friend, we can talk for a long period of time and the closeness it so overwhelming that I would want more of it. I want closeness with others, I enjoy sharing life experiences, I enjoy talking about the pass which would carry a smile on peoples faces, I enjoy talking about the bad times that we would later learn from our mistakes. Apparently some other do not. Apparently, my name doesn’t appear on the list of others. Things I try to do to maintain the friendship. Doesn’t seem to work anymore. It just doesn’t work anymore.

A dear friend once told me, ” If you have the person on your list, it doesn’t mean they have yours on theirs.”

How true. How painful it is. How bitter to know that sad fact about life.

Is it because I am the playful self that I enjoy being shows the “DO-NOT-TRUST” word all over me?

The people who were once close to me I do not know anymore. The connection is lost and we don’t even contact anymore. People from far apart, used to have mails for each other now no more. People from close by, have issues with themselves, struggling to find their own shadow slowly drifting away from me. I do not know who to talk to anymore.

The feeling of leaving the people here and starting over is so so strong. I had this feeling when I first arrive in Subang. Leaving my friends in Alor Setar, meeting new ones here. Next was when I when to UTAR alone, none of my friends were studying there yet as I went to the January intake. I had to start over, meet new friends. The feeling happened again when I switch from Foundation year to Degree. I had to start over.

I was actually sick and tired of this feeling. Meet new friends and leaving the old ones. It’s not like I didn’t make the effort. I try to contact them and I try to maintain the communications. They just weren’t interested anymore. From Alor Setar to Subang to Utar. All of them are the same. They found new friends. They let go the old ones. Friends that went overseas, some of them were close to me, did the same thing. All was fine and suddenly, life seem to grab hold of them and the ties with me seems to have gone lost.

All the friendships I had, only a handful still remembers. At this rate, I’d have to look for new friends again. I’ve already lost so much, a handful? What’s a handful. Looks like its gonna be a long journey through life for me. Or is this the feeling everyone has nowadays? Can’t be, everyone looks so occupied. Who am I kidding but myself? Denial is just lurking around the corner and it would be hunting me down at anytime.

It feels cold alone. So quiet alone. Peaceful at times. Solitary has caught on to me and has attached itself onto my back. I’ve lost my most dearest Grandma. What’s friends that would forget? Walking the road down alone is no new thing for me anymore. I have done it so many times. What’s the rest of my life?

The day

Watched an old movie, The Mist by Stephen King.

AWESOME~! Love Stephen King’s movies.. I would recommend 1408 and secret window to ALL!

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Went on a day trip to penang today.. From 6a.m. to 9pm plus plus.

Penang, Lunas, Berapit and then home..

See that red plate, that’s me grandma, on my grandpa’s grave.. The next would be “I dont remember”

I miss her.

I was thinking how would she feel if she was alive and I’m in my current state. Sigh.. I guess I failed her. :/

I’m so sorry.

Home home home home

No other place better than home..

When back to my hometown for a week, it was SAD. Its dirty, its filthy, and its filled with  people who stink and think they are better. I just dont get it. The fking gov can afford to build a bridge but they just cant have the decency to clean the garbage.

They say a picture shows a thousand words.

Car anyone? Js a lil hammering and it’ll be moving again!

The pictures above are only from a “section” of the place where my grands’ hse is. There are LOTS and LOTS more places which i saw and didnt have the time to bring out my phone. :/

You can actually park in between a garbage bin, BIG bins to buy your FOOD. omfg. This guy or ladt is an idiot. There were more parkings a lil further behind. sigh.

My jeans ripped abit at the knee. T.T Sniff, i loved my jeans.

Drank a lil at my grand’s hse. The Heineken is from Langkawi, so it’s a bit taller. >D

I tell you, them lady drivers here really prove the point where they need to go for exams TWICE! They are really really deadly. :/ Not saying ladies around the world. Just this place. I dont get it. I was beside the lady, ua know what happen? The lady just turn over to my lane without any signal nor concern. I WAS FKING BESIDE HER! Literally! Luckily I saw her car getting closer and closer. Fking BMW, I was driving my grandpa’s kancil. =.=

My aunt, cousins and bro cooked Mee.. “Kai Si Mee” Loved it! The taste was almost the same as the shop that I used to go when I was a kid. We had “wan tan” also. ))

Mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm..XD

Big ass “wan tan” by my fat ass cousin. He was trying to run away..

Leftovers.. O.O *noticed the amount of the greens* lol

i dyed me hair! lol.. red.. XD

And then it was time to go.. The new airport in Alor Setar.

Which dumbass fella designed this ugly pillar.. =.=
And I was home.. Chat with my love until 4 in the morning. O.O Damn that time difference.. But it was so nice to see her again and to talk to her making her smile and laugh. <3

Its good to be home. Now I dont think I wanna go back to my hometown for another loooongg loooongg time. I dislike the place so much now. Its so dirty.. Sigh.. besides that, no internet. I cant connect with my someone and that sucked big time. :/

The wind is changing.

The wind.. If one tries to see it. You would not with your bare eyes. Maybe some tools may be of use. Wind has been one of my favourite elements of mother nature.

The wind.

blows from different directions from time to time depending on the place, the occurring events that are happening, and maybe where the sun or the moons is..

I.

for a fact follow the wind. From young or maybe from primary school up til foundation year, I would not plan anything for life. The wind blows to the North, I’d follow it. How my life goes, I leave it all to the Almighty.

I.

believe He has a plan for all of us. Why am I made like this and what not. However, some things in life are plan for us just to guide us in your journey in life. Not to bring us to our destination.

Don’t be mistaken.

I didn’t mean to say we can’t control our lives.  I’m just implying that, the Lord is there to guide us and lead us. How our lives would change depends on us choosing to follow the path or otherwise.

Back to where I was going.

This year has been a really tough one for me. I had to literally use my head to think real hard which path to choose. The events that happen to me, I assume, might be a build up from all issues I saw and knew. I refused to make amendment knowing shit might happen. But it’s all just assuming. The wind might have been blowing and I have not taken notice of which direction has it been blowing.

It is tiring.

No doubt about it. For those who have been making decisions in life. Its tough. We all know it.

Everything happens for a reason. We all know each of the reasons.

Everything happens has an effect. We all know each of the effects, some we are unaware of.

Everything happens from a cause. We all know deep within ourselves what actions we chose.

It is tiring.

There is someone out there that cares for you. You know it deep in your hearts.

The wind is changing.

I need to get back on track. I lost my directions. I lost my thoughts. I lost motivation. I’m lost.

A kid with his guitar, An adventerous day, An aquarium and A girl

and then.. There was a kid who can play the guitar..

He played this song on the guitar..

and another one his guitar too..

that kid rocks.. May he live long and reign.

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I went to class in the mroning. I slept EARLY the night before. I fell asleep during class. OMFG! WTF! I sleep late, I fall asleep in class, I sleep early I STILL fall asleep in class.. Holy &^$%*&%$*&^#$(&%^*&!)(*&$!@ !!!!!!

ANYWAY..

After class, when to Klang for an interview with a doctor.. Watafuk. Interviewing about SARS. Sigh.. Of all the freaking things the lecture can ask a student to do. I can just type SARS in GOOGLE and Poof! I get all the freaking things I want. WTF. Waste of time and effort.

After the interview.. Drove back to Subang using the Khesas Highway. (however its spelled) Drop by Summit Subang Jaya to get movie tickets for Harry Potter. (it was just an OKAY movie, zzzz)

Later, drove to Cheras to meet up with Li..Had dinner with her along with my other mates..

Chiew Seng with the phone and Andrew with the tongue

Harriet with the face and Li with the chips and phone.

Starters as usual were chips and nuts.. >D

Starting dish, “Soup of the day”, I have no idea whats it called, ABC soup or sumthin..

Egg omelette

Rice.. O.O

Well, this was sorta my dish..

Er.. This would be my one JUG soyabean milk.. hehehe.. Satisfaction.. LoL

This would be desert..

After that, would be home sweet home.. Drop my mates in PJ for their own rides and me heading back home..

Oh, later I would win 300k in Texas HoldEm Poker, Facebook.. wakakkaka..

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Thanks for being there for me people..

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Now bloggin about it while fixing my new aquarium.. Planting water plants now yo.. Hehehe.. would take a pic when complete.. Resting for awhile to allow the CO2 timer to set.. T.T Bloody hell, its 3:33am.. I wanna talk to my girl.. :/

Check out the heavy equipment.. @.@ That’s not all..

a bit blurry.. :/

In the toilet too!

Outside the toilet..

Preplanting.. We just stick the plants and place them according to their growth height and position and how would they grow.. The lighting and the sand placement.. @.@

Later there would be pH to worry about.. kH too.. Bacteria, Some freaking chemicals that I don’t have any idea whats it for. Sigh.. My girl called and she pissed at me for not wanting to talk to her.. I don’t get it.. Does she even know that I’m busy?  Sometimes I dont know what to do.. Makes me feel like I’m an idiot or an asshole. Sometimes I wonder does she even bother thinking from my side, or she’d just do what she thinks is right for her.. Well, only time would know.

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Pictures taken on a Sepang Gold Coast Trip with my girl

Writing on the sand. Duh?

People, Meet MoMo..

The Rings we bought on the day itself!

A kiss.

—————————————————————-

Back to the plants.. Hell lotsa things need to be done.. O.O Now I’mma waiting for the water treatment to settle down.. Sleepy.. T.T But its gotta be done now.. Cuz my uncle is going back to S’pore later this afternoon.. Rush rush rush!

Oh, People Please Look At My Aquarium Whenever You People Come To My House..

Sigh..

I wanna go to the Hennesy Artistry. <<<<<< Really really really really really want to.

I wanna listen to loud music. <<<<<<<<<<< Really really want to.

I wanna feel the freedom.

I wanna do whatever I want.

I wanna go wherever I want.

I wanna eat whatever I want.

I wanna be with whoever I want.

I wanna sleep whenever I want.

I wanna game whenever I want.

I wanna enjoy life.

I wanna feel eternal peace at heart.

I dont wanna study anymore.

I wanna observe people.

I wanna know what they think.

I wanna feel how they feel.

I wanna understand human beings in a deeper level and inner level.

I wanna help the poor and helpless.

I wanna be at peace with the world.

I wanna be the one that people would remember.

I wanna be the one people talk about.

I wanna be the smart-ass people remembers.

I wanna be remembered as the asshole that kick your ass.

I wanna be remembered as the friend that was always there.

I wanna be known as the best helper around.

I wanna be known as the person you go to when you need help.

I want to be able to help people would want to be helped.

I want to do what I want to do.

I dont wanna grow up.

I dont wanna have heavy responsibility.

I dont wanna live on longer.

I dont wanna do what other people want me to do.

Life is not like that. Life is hard. Life is difficult. Life doesnt go the way you want all the time. Life is all about choosing and working for it. Life is about competition. Life is about friends. Life is about betrayal. Life is about lie. Life is about responsibility. Life is about commitment. Life is unfair. Life is sometimes not worth living. Life is about experience.

I think I need motivation. Sigh.. Getting the degree and graduating is not a motivation anymore.

Back then all I did was study and have a blast in uni and outside uni. Now, Its all about, what I am gonna do after i grad. I hate that thought. I wish tat were to read this and shove some logical sense that he always does into my head, right in my face. I respect him. He is determine and from the way he carries himself, he has a plan. He is sticking with his plan and working for his plan. He has discipline when he wants it.

I on the other hand. Is some what on the sloth. My head says do it but my body says fuck it. I am not desperate enough. I have a plan but I am not working for it. I know if i dont work for it, I’ll just end up getting fuck myself. I cant do it. I dont know why. I just cant. Argh.. Kevin being here would also be nice. He has a plan BUT he has ALOT of discipline. Even though he slacks abit here and there, he would still come back. Sigh..

I lack of discipline.

I know what I have to do, but I am no motivated to do so.

I am a negative person.

I know I’m getting myself in trouble if I dont work my ass off right now.

Convenience

Wassup people. I end my internship tomorrow! There’s this bubble of joy around me. I feel like I’m walking on air!

Well, me and me department were suppose to have a nice lunch in TGI Friday. Guess what, they decided to make it big. Even the HR department was invited. Sigh. I mean, why did they go invited everybody? It was unnecessary.  The more people in the small circle, the faster the circle needs to be expanded. Having it expanded, there’s no point in a nice and lovely meal is there?

Unfortunately, they invited sort of everyone. but that’s not the point of the post. The point was convenience. Next week Tuesday. 2 colleagueof another department would be celebrating thier birthday. Guess what. We’re gonna do my farewell 4 Days after my farewell.

They even got the balls to think that it would be a farewell. Wait, I forgot they are ladies. The balls part wont work.

They even got the guts to think it would be a farewell after a farewell. Sigh. That’s why. I’m still reluctant to come back on Tuesday. I don’t feel like anyway. Might as well give them a blow. Yup. As I’m typing this, the more words I put into this post. The more convincing I would be.

Okay, I’m convinced. I’m gonna blow it. I’d say I’m coming. Some how, my horns and tail is getting hotter. Maybe its a sign for me to be evil again. Its been a looooong time since I last had this sweet yet horrible sensation. Long time.

Friends. Don’t worry, nothing is gonna happen to you. yet. ;p That’s just a small thing okay. Blowing. I mean, there could be worst. Now Now.. Don’t go further. Come back.

So, as I was saying. Why, why would they even wanna do a farewell when the farewell is past? Knowing me, I’d ask myself, would they think I’m not qualified for a “grand” farewell? Would they think I don’t even deserve one. Sigh. I’m starting to like this phrase

“Go Fuck Yourself”

I amazese me you see, like, How on earth is the fella gonna screw themselves be it man or woman? It would be an eye opener. Well, actually i think they can. But oh well..

Sigh.. Its just so fucking frustrating. For once, I thought what i do would bring an impact to people’s life til the extend they would wanna do a grand farewell. Reality check yet again, i didn’t do anything. Aother phrase that I’d like to share, this phrase is so powerful that It’d make my day and sometimes, allow me to get over things, easily.

“Life Goes On”

Lets see..

Nothing special happening in my life nowadays.. Headaches here and there, body aching here and there..  Irritations there and here, frustrations sometimes, annoyed maybe sometimes..

My girl keep reminding me that if there’s anything wrong i can spill everything out to her. Well, i do. Maybe not all the time, I’m the sort of person that prefers to keep the irritating things to myself and share the happy things.. Life itself is enough burden for a person. but SOMETIMES, the burden needs to be shared with those close to you, hence, i do tell her most of the stuff that irritates me. However, I can’t really share ALL my thoughts has they are very scattered throughout my pool of thoughts. Even I, myself can’t pick out that specific thought to share even if I wanted to.

I don’t know, these few days I’ve been doing all these personality test here and there, its all states that I’m an Idealist in general. I don’t like it. It’s kinda tiring if you were me. IF. Fucking 2 letter word. Ahh, screw it. I sometimes don’t even know myself. All these Ideas in my head keep on floating around and banging the side of the brain.

My boss told me that I SHOULD be an idealist as I was still YOUNG. =.= I was like, WTF? It might be, But i ain’t gonna be an old fart like the rest of the world waiting to die. I’d kill myself. *spits* ya right. Big talk fucking scum. That’s just me. I think. Well the point is, …. … er…. I don’t know whats the point. I don’t wanna think anymore. I just wanna lie down beside my girl and fall asleep and not wake up to this shitty world anymore. One day I’ll prolly go nuts in the future, due to the act that these thought drown me or I go nuts just thinking about the future, one way or the other. So fuck me.

The request for help

Help me! Help me!

Normally, I’d go check out what’s going on there. Well, that was a lie. I’d normally walk slowly to the place and see if there’re lots and lots of poeple or not. After that go closer to check if these lots and lots of poeple are helping. If there isn’t anyone lending a helping hand, following the bystander effect, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect, I’d rush to help. Cause I am picky in helping others.  If there was people helping the person, I’d just walk on by.

When it comes to friends, if they were to call out help, I’d go help without hesitation. Even if someone is already there, I’d ask if it was enough. I love my friends.

However, in the office. I’d help if you ask me to do sumthin. No worries, I’d help judging how urgent the situation is. Don’t worry about it, I’d finish the work you asked me to do. but recently I can’t take it anymore. The people (not the bosses), sigh, I wouldn’t wanna call them bitches but sigh.. I’ll resist this time. Forgiveness is the will power to success. (It just came) Anyway, these people are starting to annoy me. If you want to ask someone who isn’t your dog to help you. The least you could do was to ask nicely and properly, best is POLITELY.

Lemme give you an example,

“Stephen, are you forgetting sumthin?”

“Er.. no? Why?”

“Didn’t you noticed the pile of newspapers here?”

“Yea.. So?”

“Shouldn’t you like clear it?”

“How would i know I should clear it? You might want to use them. If you want it clear you could at least tell me?”

“Er.. No.. Why would I want to tell you, its and auto thing what. Could you clear it now?”

“Yea okay. Later.”

*the papers were on beside her desk and not mine*

See what I mean? She said it in that tone. OMFG WTF. No please no nothing. Here’s another one.

*Walks to my desk*

“Hey can you help me?”

“Yea, course.. Ssup?”

“Means you didn’t read my email la”

“What email?”

“Could you go read my email first?”

*She sits like lest than 1 meter away from me and she has to just send the email to me to ask for help with that demanding tone in her voice that I could just say go fuck yourself.*

I mean, you could just tell me nicely that you sent an email needing my help couldn’t you? Bitching me with the emails.. I tell you these people so email depended.. MUTAFUKAS. No email server they can’t work. WTF?

*I’m doing news monitoring for my boss*

“Hey,could you help me?”

“No.”
“Are you busy now?”

“Yea, kinda”

“okay than.”

*She walks to my desk and pretends to, “WOW, 165 eggs!” right in front of me.*

I know she was checking if i didn’t want to help her intentionally. WTF?

Piece of shit la these bunch of assholes. I feel like go take that stick you see and shove it up yo fuking ass.

I’ve been helping them with their work since the day i got here. And this is what happens when people climb over your head. So i stop helping them. They can go fuck themselves.

About the earth and US, people!

WELL.. As you all know, there’s thi HUGE MEGA BIG fuss about how the earth is gonna die and all.

The earth might as well IS dead.

Every year, Thousands and THOUSANDS of people get together holding hands. singing

HEAL The WORLD 

Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

 

 

bla bla bla..

Yea, The famous song. I loved that song. I always loved Michael Jackson’s songs. Awesome.

Anyway, so, thousands of people singing that song while holding hands. What do they do next?

Lets turn off the lights for 1 hour! Yay! It’ll save the earth! (just a little bit)

*After that we sell the idea and make BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of dollars!!*

If not that, than its true. People do also care for the earth. But, from my point. Its too late. What MJ was trying to do, was to save this pathetic ball. People took his song, sang it, forgot about it.

I mean if you people were to look at the world today. Just stop doing whatever fucking thing you all do daily. Sit down in front of this fucking thing called the computer. IT IS DESTROYING THE PLANET. But since we’re already there. Use Google, since it help a dude make millions to billions. Search for whatever you can about the globe dying. You’d know. The process of killing this forsaken planet, took more than 100 years or maybe more. Wonder why. Look at the fucking smokes that comes out from the factories. Industrial age. Fuck it, I’d rather live in the stone age.

Why do I say the earth can’t be save? The day, car factories shut down and people use horses to travel, that’s THE DAY the earth is saved. CARS. There are more and more cars on planet earth as we speak. and you know why? Cause the lands where wild animals roam are now buildings. Of course them horses wouldn’t fucking live, where the hell would they go?

I’ve been reading for these past few days about the earth and what people are trying to do to save it. I can tell you F for Forget it. Smoke. Smokers, Cigarettes.

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cigarette

check out the history. the 9th century in the form of reeds and smoking tubes. Heck, From the 9th century! Sigh. See what i mean. Oh my fucking gosh.

Another thing. http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/documentaries/2009/02/090203_wildlifesmugs.shtml this is also another fucking thing about NOT saving the ecosystem. Causes a little harm but still it IS causing harm. Okay side tracked abit.

Here’s the recent fucked up thing that happened in this country. http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/99785 (from kevin’s blog, ) So, people Don’t fucking BOTHER about the earth. They are worried about what the fuck would happen if they can’t read in Bahasa Malayu. Oh hell, if they know that the earth is gonna blow, I bet that they’d shut thier fucking mouth up. However, since they are worried about that, I doubt that they know anything about “Save the earth” A better generation for thier kids. *Spits* If there’s no earth, how the fuck would there be kids?

How about this for another fact, http://www.moolanomy.com/866/what-caused-the-financial-crisis-of-2008/ oh, that sums the fucking shit we’re in now. The economy. Ah, life is full of shit isn’t it.

Oh!, Sidetracked again, sorry. So, now people came up with this GARBAGE ENZYME. http://www.o3enzyme.com/enzymeproduction.htm oh yea sure, It’ll definately help save the earth. How many people would start doing it? I ain’t. My family hardly eat fruit, and we dont waste food. So theoractically I don’t have the materials to make his effing enzyme. You can wash your floor with it. Wash your SHIRT with it. Pour it in the plants. Yup, SO MANY nice benefits aren’t there? Fuck it. Utterly stupid. What you go to the market, buy fruits, cut them up, eat them, throw them into the tupperware and pour water. *Poof* ENZYME~! Than a letter comes, “You are a hero! You TRIED to save the earth! Keep it going! *hugs kisses*” from mother earth.

The fact that thousands and thousands of people are trying to save the planet is really nice to know but, with millions more not doing anything. What the fuck does that do? Slow down the timer to destruction?

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If you want to save the earth, why not do small little things first?

http://www.seql.org/100ways.cfm

http://www.wikihow.com/Save-the-Environment-at-Home

Ya, do these fucking things first before you start doing something stupid.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the things people are trying to do is wrong/stupid, its questionable. I’m not going agaisnt saving the earth. I’m supporting it. I wouldn’t want to die just yet. Still got tons of ideas and theories to change the human race and I hope it would go through them. Hope. Nice word eh, sorry i was getting carried away again by the word. Ah, so much to share so little time. Next time folks.

Sigh, I think that’s off my head for now. It’d come back soon. I’m sure of it. I’ll try to post something happy the next post.